What To Do If Your Partner Fakes Orgasms
In the last blog post titled “Faking the Big O,” I discussed how the female orgasm has undergone an evolutionary shift in the way it was conceptualized by Freud compared to the more contemporary researchers such as Masters & Johnson. I also shared the alarming statistics that 90% of women fake orgasms at some point in their lives and discussed some of the psychological factors underlying the motivation to fake orgasms. In this post, I am sharing a few tips for partners of women that experience difficulty with orgasms. If your partner has disclosed to you that she does fake her orgasms, all hope is not lost. Continue reading to find out what you can do…
It does not mean that you are a lousy lover-
As I discussed in the previous post, women fake orgasms for a variety of reasons. It is true that one reason is that they are not satisfied with the sexual experience but there are many other reasons that have more to do with the messages they received about sexuality, the pressure of societal & cultural norms or perhaps they are just not in the mood at that time. The unsatisfying sexual experience factor could be related to the setting, environment, stress and the most important- lack of communication around sexual issues.
Don’t take on the responsibility to fix it-
If your wife or girlfriend shares with you that she has difficulty reaching an orgasm and at times, she has resorted to faking it, don’t take on the responsibility to help her have real orgasms. This will only put more pressure on her and will make matters worse. It is perfectly normal to feel disappointment and even hurt upon finding out that your partner is unable to orgasm during sex. However, if you find yourself preoccupied with ideas as to how you can help her have orgasms, perhaps it is more about you needing reassurance that you are a good lover than helping your partner.
Foreplay, Foreplay, Foreplay-
In new relationships, foreplay occupies center stage but as partners get used to being with each other and with passage of time, foreplay tends to take a backseat. The lack of foreplay is a major deterrent to healthy arousal and fulfilling orgasms. A lot of couples tend to view sex as a goal-oriented activity instead of taking their time with each other. So next time, focus more on the foreplay and less on the orgasm
Communication is key-
Good sex is equal parts sensuality and communication. Put your partner at ease by initiating conversations about sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Instead of being focused on how to help your partner to have an orgasm, why not explore what feels good & pleasurable. Perhaps, your partner wants more attention above the waist- nipple stimulation, breast play or she is more of a below waist kind of girl- oral sex and fingering.
Stop asking, “Are you about to come?”-
This could be the worst thing you could say to your partner in the midst of love-making. The question oozes pressure and does absolutely nothing to make your partner relax. What could help is telling your partner how hot she is or how much you love her or how much she turns you on.
Again, this is not about you!-
The idea that you want to “give” your partner an orgasm is a pressure that you bring upon yourself, thanks to the abundance of myths about sexual prowess. A loud message that we get from the media and pop culture is that our skill-set as lovers is determined by how many fulfilling orgasms we can “give’ to our partners. Orgasms are not meant to be given, if you give your partner an orgasm, whose orgasm is it anyway?! Instead of being driven to give her an orgasm, ask her what she needs from you. Maybe she doesn’t need to orgasm at that time and would rather just snuggle with you or wants the two of you to play around in the Jacuzzi.
Get into the habit of discussing sex and what feels good and what doesn’t for you and her on a regular basis. Reassure her that if she is not in the mood at times or does not need to orgasm, that she can share that with you and it will not hurt your feelings. Tell her that you just want to be close to her and snuggling up to watch a movie will be just fine, when she is not in the mood for sex!
Written by: Nagma V. Clark, Ph.D., L.P.C.C. specializing in sex therapy, couples therapy & marriage counseling, premarital counseling, individual relationship therapy & LGBTQQI couples counseling at Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy, Inc. in the East Bay, in Dublin & Oakland.
If you or your partner need help with learning ways to communicate effectively about your sexual needs to each other, sex therapy at Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy, Inc. in Dublin & Oakland can help.
Please call 925-400-3541 or email firstname.lastname@example.org to schedule a phone consult. You can also fill out the contact form and you will be contacted within 12-24 hours.